Has it ever happened to you that you saw something you didn’t like so you looked the other way?
Avoiding self-deception isn’t always easy, because, sometimes, the truth hurts.
In this article, I’d like to review those situations or relationships in your life, that aren’t what you want, and to encourage you to face them, even if it hurts.
But don’t worry, I’ll be by your side.
If you don’t look at it, it “seems” as if it wouldn’t exist. But that’s tricking yourself.
This self-deception that you do to yourself, maintained in time, doesn’t do more than make the situation worse, lengthening an anguish that, although it hurts, you could stop entirely.or
How do you deceive yourself?
Imagine that you bet, for example on a relationship or on a dream, you’ve given your best, you’ve put your heart and soul and in the end, you see that it doesn’t work.
Accepting that it hasn’t worked is painful.
So you decide that “everything is ok” although that’s not true.
Deceiving yourself implies denying an obvious truth for your heart.
It’s when everyone around you is able to see what happens, but not you.
Actually, it’s not that you can’t see it, but your eyes don’t want to or your heart doesn’t want to accept it.
So you look away, you convince yourself that everyone else or your heart are wrong and you continue living in your lie, because if you face it, maybe you should make painful decisions that would cause changes in your life
And changing is difficult.
Why is so difficult to see self-deception?
Because every deception emerges from a minimum truth.
I’ll give you several examples to see if any fits in any of the situations you’ve lived or you’re going to have to go through.
Example of intimate relationships:
Imagine you want a love-relationship, and you find a man who doesn’t want to commit to you, however, you meet him from time to time and, more or less, you’re ok with him.
It’s not the relationship you want, but you remain there by his side, hoping that maybe one day, he sees how valuable you are and he commits to you.
But time passes, and it seems that he doesn’t see you.
What do you do?
You deceive yourself saying to you, for example, that:
- “Now it’s not his moment, but maybe later”
- “He’s going through a difficult time”
- “He has a difficult work situation”
And here comes the difficulty of the situation, maybe that’s true, that just that precise moment in his life is difficult, but where’s the limit?
Because it has to be one.
Otherwise, he can be in his “difficult time” for years, and then, it won’t be him, but you who deceive itself and doesn’t want to see what’s happening actually.
Example of friendship:
Imagine you meet a person with whom you’d like to initiate a friendship or you have already a friend with whom you’d like to share more things.
Exists a desire from your part to share things with him or her so you call him/her and you propose planning to meet or doing some activity together.
Sometimes he/she meets you and others he/she says that is busy.
The thing is that this person almost never call you to propose anything or she/he organizes something and then you hear that didn’t call you.
You realize that this friendship is NOT reciprocal and her/his desire to share time with you isn’t the same as yours.
That truth hurts.
But you deceive yourself by saying that:
- “She’s a busy person”
- “It’s not her best time”
- “Later she’ll have more time for me”
And here, again, you see the basis of the reality, because maybe it’s true she has not much time.
But, do you think that there’s no other way of showing someone you’re interested in him/her?
Example of a work situation:
Imagine that you’ve found a job, and they had told you that it’d be in a way, and at the end it’s in other.
You feel down, but you deceive yourself saying, for example:
- “It’s not a good time to change jobs”
- “It’s hard to get something related to what I studied”
- “No job is going to give me what I need”
Again, here we see things “partially” right.
Maybe now it’s not the best time and it could be hard to find a new job, but does that mean you should stop trying?
The problem is that we make from that PART of the truth, the ENTIRE truth.
What is the consequence of self-deception?
For love-relationships, you could spend years waiting that a person “changes”, and that gives you what you want, depriving yourself of the opportunity to meet someone who can actually give you what you want now.
For friendships, you’re wasting your energy on a person who, for different reasons, doesn’t have time for you, at least not now, and “waiting”, you prevent yourself from the possibility of meeting other people who have it and want to spend time with you.
For jobs, you may be sabotaging your chance of finding something that makes you feel full because you don’t even give yourself the opportunity of finding something different because you convince yourself that find it it’s not possible.
And now you’re going to say to me:
But Miriam, sometimes men changes, friends find time and jobs improve.
Sure, it can happen.
And it’s good for you that you take your time to verify it.
Another question you may ask is:
What if I move away and then what I wish to happen actually happens?
To what I answer you with another question:
What if you stay and nothing happens?
Every decision in life involves a risk and a consequence.
No one can guarantee anything.
You don’t know it, you just choose.
If the true hurts, it’s time to look at it
Because when something hurts you, it’s sign that you have to stop and value.
So if you feel in your heart a little pain that warns you of that something is wrong, listen to it and try to discover where it’s coming from.
Give yourself the opportunity to assess the situation, to see what’s going on, if there’s any truth that your eyes don’t want to see, because it could be painful.
Look at it, it’s ok.
If it hurts, accept the pain, sadness or the feeling that comes to you.
And then, decide.
Remember that whatever decision you make, it’s going to be fine.
If the truth hurts but you decide to continue in the same place, nothing happens, if and when you’ve decided it and you know what you get.
Because then, you won’t be deceiving yourself anymore.
Your eyes have seen and your heart has decided.
Maybe the truth hurts, but now you’re in charge. You can look, face and make a different decision whenever you want.
And that’s a gift.
The ability to choose for yourself and not let the situations choose for you.
And if you can’t face it on your own, please contact me, because there are times when outside help, may be what you need to take that step and move forward in your life.