How many times usually repeated to your child to do something?
Why children do not listen?
…set the table
…clean your room
…put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket
…do your homework
I hear this complaint often at conferences I do about Self-esteem and Adolescence for parents.
Mainly mothers, repeat and repeat to exhaustion.
And when they can no more … EXPLODE
Then they may come to the cries, excessive consequences, or words a little out of tune.
We are all humans.
Everyone has the right to exploit.
However, when that happens, because they do not have the resources, or other techniques are not known, there is a gap in which we can learn and improve our strategy.
The Role of Parents
It is very important that:
parents become parents, and children, children.
This phrase will seem obvious, but believe me, the moment of truth, it is not.
In the consultation I have seen:
- Parents who, without realizing it, are fully available to the requirements and demands of their children.
- Mothers do, absolutely everything, what the child would have to do, because as they say, “if I do not, nobody does”
- A mother who thinks that “everything” has to be discussed and agreed with the children
- A parent who wants to be “colleague” of his son…
It is vital that there is a hierarchy where parents, will be the lights that illuminate the way of their children.
An example to follow.
Children do not come with an instruction book and parents, we do the best we can with the knowledge we have.
So, as a parent, let me tell you something:
You’re already doing well enough
May simply miss you refine your strategy, or do it differently, so you actually work, and can combat the fact that children do not listen.
The educational style is the way parents tend to interact and communicate with their children.
These styles also have associated certain beliefs, relationships and behaviors that, in some cases,
“With the best intentions, they are obtained most of the time, the worst effects”
Here are some of them, according to a study models Latino Family of Giorgio Nardone:
They are small, closed and protective families.
Adults want to facilitate both their children life that just replacing them.
The child ends up feeling that it is not able to do anything by itself, which will cause insecurity and lack of self-esteem in adolescence and youth.
It is defined by the lack of hierarchies.
Parents are the “friends” of their children, so they lose their authority.
The children feel lost because they have some guidelines to follow, and to lean on.
Parents sacrifice their best to give the best to their children.
They believe that through the sacrifice may maintain a good relationship and be accepted.
The children end up with a great sense of guilt, not to evaluate all the sacrifice their parents do for them, or be ungrateful.
Family members vary from one model to another.
Sometimes parents are authoritarian, and other permissive.
This creates uncertainty in the children, not knowing what is appropriate behavior.
So, sometimes, the children will be obedient and collaborators, and other, rebel and opposed.
They are parents who, either because they are young, for economic difficulties, work, etc. establish very close relationships with family, and end up delegating to them, their guiding role (eg grandparents).
This can cause conflicts between grandparents and children when educating grandchildren.
Children or grandchildren feel on the one hand, disoriented, not knowing who to follow and, secondly, omnipotent, to get everything they want.
Often families where the father assumes the dominant position, the children a submissive position, and the mother makes a mediator.
There is a lot of tension and rarely children can express what they think or feel, without reprimand.
This creates in the children a sense of personal insecurity.
Why children do not listen?
With all these styles, it is difficult to give a simple answer.
But we could draw some clear ideas:
- What is given to the children not to strive for it, they did not seem important.
- It takes them to acquire, and have to work for it, they valued.
- The limits make the child has a model on which to draw, to know what is appropriate behavior.
- Parents, as adults, have to put yourself in a superior position to lead the children that are forming.
- If standards are not met, they will have to have consequences for the children to learn that in life, every action has a reaction or consequence.
- It is better to adopt a particular model with our values, not to go alternating with behaviors, totally different, in similar situations.
And above all, it is important to remember that parents are the models for our children and for them to have self-esteem, confidence and security, we have to have it, and show it.
I want to leave you a video that explains very well three educational styles.
As the video says, extremes are not good.
We have to find a balance between love and firmness.
The support and accountability.
For our children to become autonomous and independent adults.
I hope these words help you to have a little more vision, and to understand a little more why the children do not listen.
I’m thinking of starting a course or workshop for parents, which explain and practice different techniques and strategies that can help us in our relationship with our children.
If you’re interested in receiving information, send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org, and I’ll explain the news.