Has it ever happened to you that you knew that the man you were dating wasn’t good for you, but you couldn’t avoid seeing him again?
Have you ever considered what is it that keeps you next to a person who doesn’t give you what you’re really looking for?
In this post I hope I can make you understand that moving away from someone who doesn’t interest you, doesn’t just depend on willpower, but can be difficult because of hormones.
But difficult doesn’t mean impossible.
And if you understand what happens to you better, it’ll be easier for you to solve it.
The power of hormones
As Louann Brizendine tells us in his book “The feminine brain”, sex hooks you and it’s something hormonal.
Oxytocin is a hormone that helps your brain establish durable affective relationships.
During sex, you release this hormone, which creates a bond with the person you’re having sex with.
And when you have an orgasm, your level of oxytocin increases.
This causes two effects:
- You feel “in love” (speaking in a hormone way), with the person you’ve had sex with.
- You’re left wanting more oxytocin, which you interpret as wanting to see him again.
Obviously, this effect pass after a few days, but the memory of this pleasure is enough to confuse you and make you think that it’s “that person” who you really want.
Sex isn’t Love
Men and women’s brains are structured in different ways.
Louann tells us that, the area of the brain destined for sex in men, is much bigger than that same area in woman.
And while a woman who has sex with a man “repeatedly”, can “interpret” that as “something more” than sex, for a man, it can be, simply, SEX.
There’s nothing wrong with having sex, but it’s important not to confuse it.
Especially, because if it’s already difficult to find someone who shares your values and someone to formalize a relationship with, imagine if sex hooks you to the wrong person.
You know that it’s not convenient for you, you know that it’s not what you want from a relationship, but if the sex is good, you’ll deceive yourself with a thousand excuses to see him again.
Because giving up that shot of oxytocin isn’t easy at all.
It can even turn into an addiction…
…that chains you.
What to do when sex hooks you to the wrong person?
If you are capable of just enjoying good sex, congratulations, enjoy it while you can!
But, if after sex you want him to stay over, have breakfast together the following day, share other things that aren’t sexual, and it, does NOT happen…
You need to stop, before you hurt yourself.
Here are some ideas that may help you:
1. Ask your analytical mind for help
You can’t allow hormones to control your life.
If sex hooks you to a person who isn’t good for you, you need to convince yourself of why you should get away from that person.
You have to counteract the advantages of the sexual hook with the disadvantages of being with the wrong person.
2. Value the kind of relationship you want in your life
If you look for a partner, but are still going to bed with the one that doesn’t give you what you want, you’re taking the time and energy you need to find the person that will give it to you.
If necessary, make a list of what you want from your ideal partner, and include a good sexual connection in it.
It is possible to have sex and love.
And from my point of view, combining both greatly surpasses just good sex.
3. Accept the pain
If you look for a loving relationship and, after some time your sexual relationship doesn’t turn into a loving relationship, there’s maybe a mourning time.
- Mourning, because this person doesn’t want what you want.
- Mourning, because it’s another relationship that doesn’t meet your objectives.
- Mourning, because of the frustration of not getting what you want.
And you have to go through this mourning, you to weep to overcome it.
Because you can’t open another door, until you close the one you’d opened before.
And don’t leave it half-closed, you need to close it completely.
4. Keep some distance
If sex hooks you to someone who isn’t good for you, you CAN’T allow yourself to be near him.
Because that sexual attraction will increase and in the end, you’ll end up doing what you’re trying to avoid.
To prevent your heart from suffering, avoid temptation.
5. Focus on what you want in life
The right person hasn’t come into your life invest this in other dreams and aims that are also important to you.
It may be the moment to do that course you always wanted to do.
Or of joining a group that shares some hobbies that interest you.
The thing is not to focus your life on “the partner” or ” what you’re lacking “, because I’m sure that you have many things to be thankful for and which you want to continue enjoying.
Then focus on those things.
The partner is, simply, one more part of your life.
It’s NOT ALL of it.
In summary, if the sex hooks you to a person who isn’t good for you, who doesn’t give you what you want or even hurt you, it’s time to fight against your hormones and make the right decision, to be in control of your life.
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