Have you ever started a new relationship and everything seems beautiful until the
time comes when, suddenly, you notice yourself playing, “the same role you as
always do”, AGAIN.
The games or scripts of couple relationships
Not repeating the same pattern with your partner isn’t easy, because you usually do it without realizing it.
Eric Berne, in his book The games we play, defines a GAME as “a series of subsequent, complementary transactions that progress towards a predicted and well-defined result“.
While there are many types of games, in today’s post I’d like to focus on some patterns that women perform in a relationship and, which of course, men
Well, as Giorgio Nardone says in his book The Mistakes Women in Love Make, “even if responsibilities aren’t equally distributed in a sentimental relationship, there’s always a complementary interaction“.
I was inspired by Nardone’s book to write the post.
If you’re interested in the book, here’s its direct Amazon link (I’m an affiliate):
But you know what?
That this complementarity is sometimes dysfunctional.
And instead of bettering the couple and making it grow, it makes both people enter a kind of loop from which they don’t know how to get out.
Roles can change at different times in the relationship or in different situations.
And the problem isn’t so much entering a pattern but the inability to see it and, as a consequence, being able to get out of it or stop playing that game.
What maintains the relationship script?
Patterns are action and reaction dynamics that repeat.
You feel defined by a certain role and, listen to what I’m saying, IT DEFINES YOU.
By this I mean that your role becomes part of your identity.
It’s as if you’ve been playing the same role for so long that, by the end of the play, you can’t leave your character aside.
The character has taken over.
Well that’s precisely why not repeating the same pattern with your partner is so difficult, because those patterns become a part of your identity.
A false identity, of course.
But as long as you don’t see it, you can’t leave it behind.
Different relationship patterns in the couple
There are many roles in relationships, but today I’ll only talk about some.
1.The docile and the rude
This script consists of a woman, whose goal is to maintain the relationship and harmony at any price, she endures any “bad” treatment the man does.
This can range from rude answers, disrespect, aggressiveness or even infidelity.
The docile woman is afraid of conflict and believes that “being good” will fix everything.
If you identify with this script I have some questions for you:
- Do you feel like you have the right to claim what you want and need from the other person?
- What happens to you when there’s a conflict?
- What prevents you from fighting for what you want?
The more you take what you don’t like, the more right the other person feels they have to continue mistreating you.
In this case, this is about valuing yourself, of knowing what you want so you can separate yourself from those people who don’t give you what you want or need.
Please tell me you’ll do something about it, before it destroys you.
2. The savior and the man going down the wrong path
But interestingly, the more a woman loves a man who does increasingly bad things, the more she is reinforcing his behavior, because no matter how bad he behaves, the bad habits or dependencies that he has, the worse he is, the more loving attention he receives.
The savior can even self-deceive herself and see good in a man who is only going down a terrible path, the good that may not even exist.
Or if it does exist, she may amplify that lie to continue maintaining her role in the
But deep down, what that woman really wants is to change her partner.
If you feel identified with this script, allow me to ask you some questions:
- Do you really think you can change the other person?
- How long have you been trying this for and how many changes have you made?
- What would happen if you were in a relationship in which you didn’t need to be constantly fighting to get the other to see, want, understand, stop doing…
- What would happen if you surrendered as a savior and became your own savior?
I invite you to try.
You can’t change anyone but yourself, so just drop it.
You deserve a relationship with a man who loves you and respects you, not who drives you to the edge.
Can you give this to yourself?
3. The caregiver and the patient
So she usually finds helpless men, those who can’t do things by themselves, and who always need someone to guide them. To help them with everything.
For the caregiver, this type of relationship is ideal because she can express her altruism with her partner.
However, for complementarity to be maintained in this relationship, the patient needs to improve, but without healing.
Because if he healed, that could end the relationship and the caregiver would have to look for someone else to care of.
If you feel identified with this role, here are some questions:
- What if you were the patient and not the other?
- What if your difficulty was “not being able to stop” caring for the other?
- Can you think of a relationship in which both of you cared for each other, but neither depended too much on the other?
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to care for others, as long as there’s reciprocity in your relationship, but it’s very different if this becomes the script of your relationship.
You can express your altruism in other places and with other people, but don’t focus only on your partner.
4. The responsible and the unmotivated
This type of role is played by women with a certain level of personal and professional success.
They assume their responsibilities and those of their partner, since they don’t seem to be able to deal by themselves.
They usually take the initiative in everything: they organize the week’s menu, the family budget, vacations and sexual encounters.
The problem is that she gets overwhelmed and the man gets comfortable, creating a dysfunctional script, above all, for the woman.
But sometimes, continuing with that burden is better than accepting failure.
If you feel identified with this script, here are some questions:
- Can you let go of responsibilities that aren’t yours?
- Could you accept that sometimes, you don’t get what you want?
- Could you let the other do it “his way” and just accept it?
If you control and take care of everything, there won’t be a chance for failure.
But deep down, you’ll feel unsuccessful because you’ll be the only one carrying the relationship.
Stop carrying it.
5. The one who waits and the non-available
This game is played by those women who have a relationship with a married man with children or a man who’s already in another relationship.
But what they don’t realize is that the more passionate their encounters are, the more they maintain this type of relationship, because the man finds certain stability between his wife and lover.
With his wife and children, he gets tranquility, family and stability. With the lover he can carry out his fantasies.
But the one who waits, waits and despairs, because the man never finds the right “moment” to leave his family.
If you feel identified with this role, I have some questions:
- How long have you been waiting for him to leave his wife?
- Is this enough to notice that he won’t do it or do you need a few more years?
- Are you afraid of having a man who only loves you?
You deserve to have a relationship in which you’re loved and respected, and not stuck in a love triangle.
But only you can get you out of there.
6. Mother woman – son man
This role is played by women who see the man as a child to be educated.
She washes his clothes, makes his food, washes his dishes and reprimands him when he does something wrong.
The man, on the other hand, continues to feel that he has all the rights but no responsibilities, because his wife-mother assumes them.
After a while, the woman feels dissatisfied and tired of having to constantly educate her man, but nevertheless maintains the relationship, and continues to play her motherly role.
If you feel identified with this role, here are some questions:
- Do you really want to have a relationship with a big boy?
- What would happen if you stopped educating him and left him the responsibility he should assume as an adult?
- If you don’t behave like his mother, what alternatives do you have?
There’s a different type of relationship, in which both are mature adults.
And you can have it.
Break the rigidity of the relationship pattern
As you know, good actors and actresses can play different roles in different movies or scenes.
That is, they don’t always play the same comedy character, they can play a serious one, a mean one, a responsible one…
Well that’s how you’ll break your redundant patterns.
Start playing other roles!
But I must tell you, you need to be careful with the roles you choose. And don’t be too hard on yourself at first.
I mean, you’re very responsible? Well, start forgetting some of your responsibilities.
This doesn’t mean you have to forget everything, because you won’t. Then you wouldn’t be able to play the role.
Are you a caregiver? Start asking them to take care of you, play sick, pick a day or a few hours to "not" take care of anyone…
Are you a mother-woman? Start to intentionally forget about some things like preparing his sandwich or dinner or whatever…
Do you see where I’m going?
Do something DIFFERENT AND OPPOSITE to what you usually do.
Yes, give yourself some time to incorporate these new patterns into your repertoire.
It’s not a matter of doing something different once and being done with it.
You need to repeat it for a while, until the time comes when you can choose which role you want to play.
Because this will mean that you’ll no longer be trapped by your script, you’ll be above it.
You’ll have become a good actress and you’ll no longer be trapped in your role, you’ll be able to bend your relationship.
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