Have you ever felt that the more you try to fight a lack of sexual desire, the worse it gets?
In this article I’ll try to explain why some of the solutions commonly used to try to solve a lack of sexual appetite in women, instead of improving it, make it worse.
I’ll propose some recommendations.
Possible causes for a lack of sexual desire
There can be lots of causes, therefore, it’s very important to make sure:
- It isn’t medical causes (physical or physiological) that are impeding it.
- It isn’t other psychological disorders that are causing that situation like depression or eating disorders.
- You aren’t taking medicines or, in case you take them, make sure they aren’t the cause for your lack of sexual desire. Some drugs have this side effect or other effects such as a lack of lubrication
- You aren’t taking any drug, because they can modify sexual function.
There are dysfunctions too such as:
- Vaginismus: When the vaginal musculature contract itself unintentionally, preventing penetration.
- Dyspareunia: a pain you feel with penetration or when you try to do it.
These dysfunctions require further investigation, so I’d recommend visiting a professional.
Let’s consider that these aren’t happening to you so, we need to find another solution to this problem.
How causes a lack of sexual desire in women
How many films have you seen or how many erotic books have you read in which, generally:
- The woman was aroused when the man looks at her (without touching her)
- Once they got undressed, she was completely lubricated and ready to have sex.
- Her excitement level went from 0 to 100 within seconds.
- Penetration without lubrication is very exciting.
- Etc. etc. etc.
People start watching that kind of films when they’re teenagers, so the message an inexperienced person gets regarding female sexual behavior is the one they see there.
After many years of advertising, you may be imagining a series of female sexual responses of what you should have during sex.
But, what’s the problem?
Well, when the moment comes:
- you DON’T “feel” what you “believe” you “should” be feeling, or,
- your body DOESN’T react as you expected.
Probably, after so many years of watching films, you’ve got the wrong idea of what happens during sex and believe that “the normal thing”, which is what happens in the movie, is NOT happening to you.
Therefore, you catalog what happens to you as a “lack of sexual desire”.
Attempted solutions that worsen the problem
1. Avoiding sex
One of the most attempted solutions for when something frightens us or we don’t know how to manage it is avoidance.
Avoiding something can provide momentary relief, because you don’t have to deal with an awkward situation that is unpleasant and stressful for you.
You avoid and, in the short run, feel liberated.
But what happens in the long term?
Whenever you avoid sex, do you feel more or less capable of solving your problem?
Think about it.
Whenever you avoid something, you’re empowering the thing you avoid, so the more you avoid it, the bigger the problem gets.
It’s a temporary solution, but it DOESN’T solve the problem.
In fact, it makes it worse.
Because each time you avoid, you’re making it harder to face.
So, does avoiding help or just keep you in the same place?
2. Wanting to force your desire:
Imagine that you start kissing your partner and end up in the bed.
Your partner is full of passion, excited and ready.
Then you realize that there’s no way you’ll achieve the same level of excitement as your partner.
All your alarms start to ring.
- What’s happening to me?
- Why am I not excited?
- Don’t I like him enough?
- Why isn’t my body reacting?
Your mind, by finding you in a tight spot, decides to take control of the situation.
Immediately, it tries to FORCE a sexual answer based on your beliefs or on what “should” happen.
So some of the thoughts you could have could be:
- “I have to feel”
- “I have to relax”
- “I have to experience desire”
- “I have to feel aroused”
And why DOESN’T that work?
Because the more you push yourself to respond in a way that should happen SPONTANEOUSLY, the less it’ll happen.
Now tell me:
Does thinking “I have to…”, help you relax and feel or does it stress you more?
And when you’re stressed, can your body react with excitement or will it most probably freeze?
The more you try to push your mind to cause a VOLUNTARILY sexual desire, the more you freeze, because you start to think about something that should happen spontaneously.
Desire should arise naturally after a caress, some kisses, some foreplay… but NOT as a self-demanding response.
If you make yourself have a certain sexual response, you’ll go into a vicious cycle:
think –> force the reaction –> freeze
And freezing will bring more thoughts to force the reaction again, thus increasing the freezing.
After all that you’ve read, do you think that forcing something that should happen spontaneously help you or will it maintain the problem?
What can you do?
If what you’re doing doesn’t work, do something different.
I recommend the following things:
1. Stop pushing yourself
Forget about whether or not you’re feeling desire, or whether or not you’re excited, because when you’re thinking, you’re NOT feeling.
And the goal is to FEEL.
Try to focus on corporal sensations.
2. Pay attention to other things
Sometimes you’re so focused on the sexual aspect, that you forget about other things, like sensuality.
The caresses, the kisses, a massage, eye contact, physical contact, expressing love…
Forget about whether your body is reacting or not and try to enjoy the moment.
3. Avoid avoiding
Every time you avoid something, you’re giving it more power.
So after a while, what was a “small” problem, becomes a large problem that overwhelms you.
Besides, avoiding increases your insecurity and fears.
Therefore, it’s better to face the problem.
4. Talk to your partner
Find a relaxed moment and place where you can talk with your partner about what’s happening. Avoid talking about it right before or during sex.
Try to find other ways to enjoy your body, your feelings, remain close together…
With each new attempt, your anxiety will decrease and, most probably, your desire will return.
5. Think about any reason that may be causing you to reject sex
Sometimes unassimilated past experiences, can cause certain fears and insecurities that prevent you from enjoying sex.
It could be good to dedicate some moment to look for something that you haven’t gotten over or that has traumatized you in the past, that could be causing that lack of sexual desire.
6. If you can’t solve it by yourself, find professional help
If instead of enjoying it, you’re overwhelmed by it, if every sex act makes your anxiety increases, please don’t think about it any further, find professional help.
Everybody deserves to enjoy sexual life, so if you don’t, it’s time to take matters into your own hands.
I hope that this cleared up why some solutions don’t help you overcome a lack of sexual desire.
If you think that this post could help other women, help me by sharing it.