Have you ever wondered why others don’t value you? Why can’t they appreciate everything that you do?
I’ve also experienced a situation in which I asked myself these same questions, and I know how you feel.
You grew fond of someone, you may even love him/her, but he/she doesn’t seem to value you.
And even though you do, say, and try as much as you can, he/she doesn’t value you.
They DON’T see you and you don’t know what to do to achieve it.
- sad …
Because even though you bust your back, that person doesn’t seem to care.
And if he/she cares, he/she doesn’t value it.
So, your frustration increases even more.
But do you know what mistake I made?
I kept trying.
- exerting myself even more
- giving more
- being more available to the other person
- valuing their point of view more than mine
- asking for less what I wanted, to please them
Until I exhausted all my strength, until I couldn’t do anything else, and my self-esteem had plummeted.
Learning to value yourself has to begin with you.
Maybe you’ve been looking at them for too long, and forgot to look at yourself.
First, I’d like to ask you a question:
Are you sure that it’s them who DON’T value you, or is it that you DON’T FEEL valued?
Stop your reading for a moment and answer this question mentally before you continue.
In your case, based on your experience, what’s your value?
Because for me there’s a big difference between both.
It’s possible that:
- He/she VALUES you, but DOESN’T express it
- It’s you who don’t value yourself, and you blame them
- He/she CAN’T value you but you keep trying with everything you’ve got
I’ll try to explain each case better because learning to value yourself implies being able to accept what led you to that situation since the solution will differ based on the reason.
1. He/she VALUES you, but DOESN’T express it
In general, it’s very difficult for people who aren’t used to expressing their feelings to do it. So, they often omit their feelings because they think you’ll “understand them perfectly”.
Something your partner may typically say is: “I don’t need to tell you that I love you, because you already know it“.
But by NOT communicating it, your silence or the other person’s silence may be misunderstood and you may reach the wrong conclusion that the other DOESN’T value you, because he/she DOESN’T express it.
In this case, the solution is to improve the communication with the other person.
Because it’s no use if the other person values you if you DON’T FEEL valued.
You two have to find a way to make the other person express what they value from you and for you to feel valued.
As every person is different, you’ll need to guide him/her.
How do you feel valued?
How many times does he/she need to tell you what he/she values from you or does he/she have to just let things come out?
Maybe both options would be good.
How else do you feel valued?
What could the other person say or do to make you feel and appreciate that he/she values you.
Find different ways, reach an agreement, and practice it.
You may need some time for them to find a way to express what they feel easy and for you to feel valued.
Having this kind of conversation will help you improve your communication and also to learn to value yourself because:
- you’ll be able to talk about what’s important to each of you
- about the value that each one gives to things
- you’ll learn to show the other person that you value and appreciate him/her.
2. It’s you who don’t value yourself, and you blame them
It’s very easy to have low self-esteem or not much self-assurance and blame others for not valuing you.
In fact, it’s more comfortable.
And so, if it’s them who don’t value you, you don’t need to change anything.
You don’t need to look inside yourself to see what’s happening.
One of the reasons why you don’t value yourself, could be that when you were little, people didn’t value you and because of that you never learned how to do it.
And now you DON’T know:
- how to value yourself
- how to set limits
- what you agree with
- what you aren’t willing to accept
And if these things aren’t clear, you’ll put up with everything that comes your way.
But, as you’ll feel bad for putting up with things you don’t like, you’ll blame others and become the victim who complains about everything.
Another reason could be that your mind is sending you negative messages about yourself.
Did you know that if you repeat something 100 times you’ll end up believing it?
How many times have you told yourself that “you’re worthless” in your life?
Of course, if you think you’re worthless, your next thought will be: “how can anyone value me?”
In this case, you need to work with yourself first.
You need to ask yourself some questions, you need to stop your inner tyrant and you need to learn to accept yourself.
YOU’RE A VALUABLE PERSON JUST AS YOU ARE.
And repeat it as many times as you need to etch it in your memory.
Every person has an intrinsic value and so do you.
You’re a valuable person, and you’re worth it because you exist.
Don’t let your mind convince you of the opposite.
It’s time to learn to value yourself.
You’re not a child anymore, and your adult self is capable of giving you what you need.
Stop playing the victim, because you AREN’T one and take power, because you HAVE it.
Of course you’re powerful, did you think otherwise?
Once you get your power back, then you’ll have to teach others how to respect and value you.
That will be the second step.
Because if you respect yourself, you’ll teach others to respect you.
If you value yourself, you’ll make others do it too or you’ll move away from the ones who don’t.
But everything starts with you.
3. He/she CAN’T value you but you keep trying with everything you’ve got
The reasons for this third case can be:
- That you don’t value yourself, and haven’t realized: in this case I refer you to step 2, meaning, the solution is for you to value yourself.
- You value yourself and you’re trying to make other values and understand you, but even though you’re trying your best, they don’t change.
Some small things may happen, such as:
- he/she choosing to meet with friends before meeting with you
- he/she preferring to stay at work instead of sharing time with you
- he/she continuing with his/her routines before getting to know you better
- he/she preferring to have lunch at work instead of having lunch with you
In short, he/she prioritizes other things before you.
If this happens occasionally, there’s no problem, but if it becomes a habit, it will end up affecting you.
Because you chose him/her.
In the end, you end up exhausted, empty and fed up.
And, there comes a time when you’ve tried so much for them, that you forget about yourself.
Of course we can’t generalize, each case will be different.
But there’re some things you can do, for example:
- If you try your best, and they don’t value your effort, stop trying!
- If you do everything you can and the other doesn’t value what you do, stop trying.
- If you fight for them and for the relationship and they don’t value your effort, stop fighting.
And when you stop, reflect, how much are you willing to bust your back for the other person.
When was the last time you asked yourself what’s important to you?
For how long have you not valued what you want?
Maybe it’s time to move away from that person who doesn’t give you what you want.
Learning to value yourself implies making decisions, even painful ones.
Why insist more if it doesn’t work?
How much is your effort worth?
People, generally, DON’T change.
If someone ISN’T valuing you now, I doubt he/she will do it in the future.
So the sooner you move away from him/her, the sooner you’ll stop suffering.
In an ideal case, we should relate to people who have the same values as us.
If you do this, everything will be muuuuuuch easier.
I know that what I’m saying you isn’t easy. It’s been hard for me too.
But of course, only you can choose, because it’s you who will have to live with the consequences of your decision.
All in all, to learn to value yourself:
- Firstly value yourself.
- By valuing yourself, you’ññ relate to people who value you too.
- You’ll have reciprocal relationships in which you can set limits.
- If necessary, you can take time to value the relationship.
- If he/she DOESN’T value you, leave.
- Walk out the door and close it.
I hope and wish that this post will help you reflect on the importance of learning to value yourself.
If you know someone who could use these words, help me to spread the message by sharing it…