Another book that changed my life and especially my way of looking at relationships was
Love with eyes wide open, by Jorge Bucay and Silvia Salinas.
This book offers a new vision of what it means to be a couple, through a fun story.
Some of the things I learned from this book are:
From possession to freedom
My first boyfriend was a young possessive and jealous man, and by that time, I hadn’t found this book, what a shame! But I remember that he based our relationship on control.
At that time, I didn’t understand either that being in a couple is a daily choice, as this book says.
Your partner has to be chosen at every moment, every day and in every situation, and that’s what makes them valuable to the other person, who after a while, continues choosing you.
But there are many people who don’t even think about this.
Do you think about it?
Do you wonder from time to time if …
- You are happy with your partner
- You feel good
- Your needs are met
- You feel respected
- You feel loved
- You are a priority in his or her life
- Is he or she also a priority in your life
I have said it in more than one post and I won’t tire of saying that: you can change your choices.
Today you choose this, but tomorrow, you could choose something else.
And the same happens to your partner.
Today he or she chooses you, but tomorrow, he/she could choose someone or something else.
It’s therefore important for couples to choose each other when they value themselves.
The other as a mirror
Love with eyes wide open is one of the books that changed my life because it changed my vision. Then, along with psychotherapy, I was able to integrate this knowledge into my life and into my relationships.
But it’s true that when you have a problem with your partner, whatever it is, the first thing you do, almost automatically, it’s to find a guilty party.
Of course, in your relationship, the guilty person will be always the other.
- If the other says something that bothers you, it’s his fault. Why does he say things that bother you?
- If the other doesn’t do his tasks, it’s his problem, because he’s not doing what he should do.
- If the other starts a fight, it’s their fault, of course.
What if I asked you,
- Why does what he says bother you so much? What’s happening to you that what he says hurts you?
- If the other doesn’t do his part, what do you do? Do you do it for him?
- If the other starts fighting for anything, do you know how to set limits?
Can you see the change in perspective?
From the outside, you start looking inside.
From blaming the other, you start to investigate what’s happening to you, with the other.
And that’s the beauty of relationships, that they help us to grow as people because we have a mirror where we can see ourselves.
A mirror that shows us what we like and what we dislike about ourselves.
And if you see your problems as teachings, you’ll be able to evolve a lot.
Because both will have a teacher by their side.
And discussions won’t be based on what “the other does to you”, but by having discovered what happens to you, you’ll be able to have an emotion-based communication, but without judging nor criticizing the other person.
In a couple, there are conflicts and stages
Clearing this out has also been important to me.
Because there’s a myth or an ideal that says that “in a couple, both members have to be constantly in love, and there can’t be conflicts.”
In Love with eyes wide open, they explain that this is pure fantasy.
It’s NOT possible to conceive an intimate relationship without conflicts and while being constantly in love.
Couples have conflicts, they have frictions, disagreements, different points of view and sometimes unintentionally, they hurt themselves.
But this forms part of the relationship. That’s why the book tells us that we have to learn to enjoy what we have, as it is.
On the one hand, it’s useless for you to suffer because your relationship isn’t as ideal as you imagined.
And, on the other hand, the fact of not being permanently in love, doesn’t mean that there is no love.
They are different things.
In fact, falling in love is an early stage of the relationship, so passionate that if we kept it for a long time, we’d go crazy.
But the act of falling in love has to make way for love.
Love is a more peaceable, stronger and stable feeling.
In fact, there are many couples who fail at this first stage and then, once “the falling in love” stage passes, they split up, because they haven’t been able to build anything more between them, or they don’t accept the other as he/she is.
And finally, it’s also important to be aware that, relationships go through different stages.
Stages of passion, love, hate… and it’s healthy to accept that that’s how it is.
Without predetermining how things should be, we can progress and evolve, if and when we are honest and we can communicate with the other.
I could talk more, but I think it’s better if you read the book and discover them by yourself.
Heres a link to Amazon’s book Love with eyes wide open to facilitate your search if you want to buy it (I ‘m affiliated). But remember it’s only in Spanish. I didn’t find an English version.
Hopefully, this book which changed my life will become one of the books that change YOUR LIFE.