Once a relationship breaks, lots of doubts come up.
Even though you were pretty clear about what you didn’t want at the beginning, after some time, it becomes less clear.
And after all it cost you to make that decision, and the effort it took to carry it out, almost without realizing it, you start undoing it for the wrong reasons.
Doubts and confusion.
So I’m going to try and clarify some things, so at least, those doubts won’t lead you to do anything that you really don’t want.
How much compensation do you get from your relationship?
First let me tell you:
If you’ve been with your partner for a certain time, there will definitely be things that you liked and perhaps, still like.
And you probably always find reasons to “stay” and reasons to “leave”.
There are always going to be things you like and things you dislike.
But how much do these things weigh? Do these make it worth staying in the relationship?
Give me a number from 0% to 100%.
Think for a minute before you continue reading.
Do you have it?
I’ll tell you mine.
80-90% is what I want for a relationship.
Because for me, and this is important, “FOR ME“, if it’s less, the relationship isn’t worth it.
If you like your relationship 50% it means that half of the time, you’ll rethink if you should be with that person with whom you don’t share half of your things.
That means that you agree half of the times, and don’t the other half.
But listen, my percentage doesn’t have to be the same as yours.
You need to find the percentage that makes you feel good.
And if 50% works, perfect, but then don’t complain.
Because it’s your choice.
To be able to explain the problem better, let’s imagine that your relationship is not what you want, that 40 or 50% isn’t enough, and you decide to leave him.
When doubts make you doubt
A brief time after leaving your relationship, you “that’s not what I want” feeling may get blurry.
And if you were initially 80-90% secure (since 100% is very hard), maybe after some time, that 80-90% starts going down.
To make it harder, your mind starts playing a dirty trick on you, and reminds you of the “good things” of your relationship.
- You miss his affection(even if small)
- You miss the good moments you spent together
- You miss some good things about him.
- There may even be visual images of special moments, like when he was there in a difficult moment.
So you start to doubt …
What if I was wrong?
If I actually miss him, should I go back?
Does remembering the good times mean that I want him and should try again?
Then your mind starts to re-think it non-stop, analyzing the decision and doubting everything.
Finally, after so much time mustering it, you feel horrible and aren’t sure at all.
Doubt is part of the process
What if I told you that missing him doesn’t mean that you want to get back together?
Doubts are normal, they form part of any change.
If you decide to leave your partner because you are attending to your feelings, and not because of an impulse, then, you need to let yourself have some space and <<be without him>> in spite of your doubts.
In these cases, I usually tell my clients to write a letter explaining the reasons why they decided to leave their partners.
Because they are going to come moments in which you’ll doubt everything.
That way, if you forgot why you left, you can know what was it that you really wanted, instead of falling for the doubts that have taken over of you.
Therefore, it’s very important to understand that to doubt doesn’t mean you’ve made a bad decision.
You have to give yourself time, so you can experience the changes caused by your decision.
In this time, you need to live “without the other person”, to experience how it feels.
And look, I’m not saying you should never go back, but missing a partner (couple), shouldn’t be the only reason for returning to a relationship.
In fact, you can continue loving your partner, even if you decide not to go back.
Take that time to evaluate your real reasons, reread the letter you wrote when your ideas were clear and evaluate if you’re still thinking the same thing.
If after a time, you decide to return, I hope you did it with a clear mind.
How long can you doubt?
I don’t actually know. In some relationships things are very clear, in others not so much.
I have doubted for weeks or even months, but I needed professional help to help me maintain my decision, after leaving a 5-year relationship.
With my psychotherapist’s help, I was able to balance my doubts and the reasons why I left, but it wasn’t easy.
I can tell you that if you’re having doubts about a relationship, these doubts are already giving you an answer.
Because one thing is to rethink the problems of your relationship, knowing that you want to be with that person.
And a very different one is to doubt whether of nor you want to be with them because to me those are the foundations of a relationship.
If you have doubts about whether or not to be in that relationship, maybe it’s not a question of time, but of rethinking what you want from your partner
Hopefully this post will help you to know how to manage your doubts and not get carried away by the idea that “missing him” means you should “go back to him.”
If you need help in this process, you only need to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll find a day to talk about this issue.