Have you ever tried looking at your partner and asking: what happened to us?
In this post I want to discuss the evolution of a relationship and how to stop a couple from distancing.
Relationships usually start with a lot of passion, but over the years if you don’t keep the flame alive, the couple ends up in a state of hibernation.
How do you get into a routine?
You get into a routine in many ways and it’s probable that every couple has their own particular ways.
Because every couple is a different world, and it’s difficult to generalize.
However, there are some aspects that you can consider:
Take time away from the relationship
When you start a relationship you are happy to spend all your time with that special someone.
Looking for spaces, places and times to enjoy doing something together or just by having him or her there.
At that moment, the other is a priority in your life, because you spend YOUR time and YOUR attention on him or her.
When the relationship formalizes and after a while, the couple goes into a second or third place, and finding special moments to cultivate the relationship becomes increasingly difficult.
This happens especially if the couple has children, as they become the first priority.
Important: Don’t confuse the usual things that couples do, with “special couples time”.
Although it might be similar, the objective is different.
And these “usual things” will also vary from one partner to another.
For example, if in your daily life you and your partner eat together, shop or cook together … you may be together, but the objective of this action is NOT to cultivate the relationship, but to do daily errands.
A special time for the couple, can be eating together, but maybe that day you can go to a different place, or do a special meal or get take away… the idea is to do something “different” than usual.
Because it’s that “different” thing that breaks the routine.
Do you understand the difference?
Stop caring for the relationship
To stop a couple from distancing, both members need to care for the relationship.
Besides the personal care that each person has to give himself and their partner, the couple as an entity, must also be cared after.
You neglect your relationship when:
- You don’t offer a special time or space
- You place them as your last priority
- You don’t attend to the “couple’s” needs
- You don’t value or recognize what the other does for the relationship
I understand that this isn’t intentional, you are both simply so busy that it’s easy to forget about these things.
But they are important.
And a lot.
You don’t look after your vocabulary
Words can help care for or destroy a relationship.
When you fall in love, the only words that come out of your mouth are those of love and recognition.
Over time, and when the blindness caused by love disappears, you begin to see people as they are.
With their strengths and their less positive aspects.
So, inadvertently, the mind focuses on the negative and forgets about the positive.
So, instead of continuing with a loving and respectful vocabulary towards your partner, negative interactions may occur.
And then you can get to disprove the other, criticize or despise them.
This is very dangerous, because it can do a lot of damage to the relationship.
Always do the same
I would say that this is the main ingredient for a couple to reach routine and boredom.
Work, home, the same friends, the same places, the same meals…
It seems that there is no time, desire or energy for anything else.
And what happens is that the relationship is slowly turning into a boring place without incentive.
How to stop a couple from distancing
You may love your partner very much and tell them constantly, but the important thing is that she or he FEELS loved.
This is achieved with actions more than words.
Love is not ONLY SAID, but DONE.
1. Take care of your relationship ACTIVELY
That means you have to do things.
Here are a few questions to give you ideas of what you can do:
- What does your partner like?
- What do you both enjoy?
- What are your partner’s dreams?
- How could you support them?
- What would be good for the relationship?
- What day of the week is going to be for the couple?
2. Promotes positive and reinforcing exchanges
We all have aspects to work and improve on.
But to be emotionally close to your partner you’ll have to focus especially, on those positive things you like about them, and which keep you by their side.
There is an exercise I like to do from time to time, which is as follows:
- Tell each other three positive things that happened today
- Tell each other three positive things you like about them
- Tell each other three positive things about your relationship
And you can add any other things you can think of to the list.
The idea is to ACTIVELY look for the positive side.
3. Find a special time for the couple
Set a date, time and place.
Agree with your partner to have a special time and space, only for you.
That means that there won’t be children, family, friends … nope.
The couple’s special time is EXCLUSIVELY for you.
This time can be 10 minutes, 2 hours or an entire day, it will depend on each situation.
But it has to be sought on a regular basis.
And you can do whatever you want, you don’t need to do anything huge, just something you like to share.
You can watch a movie together on the couch, lay down in bed and talk, have a bath, have sex without haste, etc.
This is the couple’s special time and can help you to stop a couple from distancing.
4. Introduce a small change into your routine
The aim is to break habits.
Here are some suggestions:
- Surprise your partner
- Pick him up when he gets off work
- Prepare a romantic dinner
- Celebrate something
- Go to the place where you two meet
Anything, however small, will break the monotony and will make the couple grow emotionally closer.
The couple is a separate entity that requires care as any individual.
If you want to stop a couple from distancing, I invite you to implement these ideas which we easily forget.
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