Do you feel overwhelmed by jealousy and is it causing problems in your relationship?
Would you like to overcome your jealousy but don’t know how?
The other day a guy told me that, he’d just begun a new relationship, and that he didn’t understand why he’d become jealous, as he’d never been a jealous guy.
That’s where this post was born, because fighting because of jealousy could make you spoil your relationship.
- 1 What is jealousy?
- 2 Why do we get jealous?
- 3 7 tips to overcome jealousy in your relationship
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is an emotional response to the possibility of losing a loved one.
Normally, jealousy means feeling that your partner is paying more attention to another person which can lead to a fear of abandonment.
It’s at this time, that one’s mind begins to IMAGINE all sorts of situations where one can see betrayal where there’s probably none.
To try to appease that feeling of insecurity that generates that fear of abandonment, the jealous person becomes a sort of investigator.
- If there’s an unanswered question, jealousy will become an obsession
- If one is certain the other will leave, the jealous person can become paranoid.
Why do we get jealous?
There are many reasons, such as:
Lack of self-confidence:
My client had left a relationship in which he was the one who made all the decisions, where he learned the main salary and where, fortunately, his former partner was happy to follow him and happily accept any decision he made.
I say fortunately, because for her, it was fine.
The relationship is now over and after some time, he began a relationship with another person, who is very used to being independent and making her own decisions, without anyone else’s approval.
My client was unfamiliar with this situation, which led to a feeling of insecurity, and to doubt himself and his ability to meet the other person’s demands.
Also, he began to doubt his partner really wanted to be with him.
This involved other things such as:
- his girlfriend is a very sociable person
- is economically independent
- argues when she doesn’t agree on something
This is all new to him, so it’s normal for him not to have the “security” he had with his ex, in this new relationship, leading to his lack of self-confidence.
This is just an example.
Another version of this case occurs in people who haven’t had much love in their childhood or life, which makes it hard for them to believe that someone else could love them as they are.
In this case, they doubt the love their partner offers, because they can’t accept they’re worthy of love, or that they can be valued as persons.
If you had a past relationship where your trust was betrayed, you may distrust others.
Because your mind tells you: “It happened once, so why not again?”
Here it’s very important to differentiate between the problems you had in the past and any agreements you may have with your current partner so you can gradually feel safe in your relationship.
But don’t be angry with yourself, another thing you’ll have to do in this case is healing your wound.
Your current relationship may also involve certain situations that lead to jealousy, such as:
– seeing your partner flirting with another person
– finding mysterious messages
– discovering an infidelity
In this case, it’s the current situation that’s making you feel jealous and, then, there won’t be any obsession or paranoia, but PAIN.
7 tips to overcome jealousy in your relationship
1. Find out what’s “behind” your jealousy
When you sunbathe too much, you get burned.
Your skin gets red, that’s a symptom, which you can see, but the reason was prolonged exposure to sunlight.
Also, searching behind that jealousy, will help you identify the thought or belief that causes it.
Overall, jealousy is often related to:
Once you identify the emotion, then you can do something to overcome your jealousy.
2. Manage emotions
Once you’ve identified the emotion behind that jealousy, you’ll be able to manage it.
Every emotion is handled differently.
For example, we must channel anger, fear has to be faced and pain overcome, you have to go through it.
Whatever the emotion, you have, each one needs space and time to be expressed.
So make time in your day for that emotion, and see what you can do with it.
3. Find the belief that causes your jealousy
Here’s a little exercise:
Once you localize and connected with that emotion, let your thoughts roam free and writhe down any idea that comes to mind without judgment.
Then you can get rid of what you don’t need, and get to the bottom of that belief or beliefs that complicate your life.
Make a list of all the thoughts that come and then analyze it.
4. Question your mind
At this point, you know:
- What feeling lies behind jealousy
- How to manage that emotion
- What beliefs cause it
If you’re obsessed, but NOTHING similar ever happened to you, it’s all in your mind.
Try to challenge your mind:
- What leads to your beliefs?
- What justifies your beliefs?
- Do you really believe they will “leave with another”?
- If you don’t want to believe it, why are you?
Stop following what your mind tells you, as it could be wrong.
If you’re CERTAIN that the other will leave:
Try to figure out the actions that made you believe that.
What experiences indicate that this is going to happen?
When you have doubts, you can challenge your mind, but when you’re certain, the only experience can help you fix your mind.
If you’ve EXPERIENCED previous treason in your life.
When you see similar behaviors to ones you’ve already lived, you feel pain, because your mind tells you, you need to verify.
So, take the opportunity to heal your wound.
Think about your past and take in all the pain.
Open yourself to it, accept it and let it pass through you.
This will help close and heal your wound.
If you discover your partner’s infidelity:
Then deal with your emotions.
And make the right decisions.
5. Seek alternative thoughts
If your mind is full of thoughts, re-think them.
Constructive, positive thoughts, strengthen your self-esteem and your self-worth.
And that doesn’t happen by itself.
So you’ll need to make an effort to achieve it.
If you’ve made a list of all your irrational beliefs, write another one with more realistic thinking.
For example, instead of letting your mind wander if your partner is going to leave you, offer your mind an alternative, about how much you are worth as a person and of how much your partner shows you his or her love.
The idea is to balance your positive and negative thoughts.
6. Change your focus
What do you usually do when jealousy takes hold of you?
You usually try to control over what the other person is
- Where they are
- What the time is
- With whom
- Who they relate with
- What dangers they are under
As you know, or as you can imagine, this is exhausting.
If you have to spend the day checking, you won’t have much energy for anything else.
And you know what else?
To control your partner, you begin to become an overbearing person to you.
And this behavior only causes what you fear most: neglect.
So I advise you to stop.
Stop being a cop and focus on yourself.
Remember what you like and makes you feel good.
Read a book on self-esteem or self-worth.
Cultivate your relationship with yourself, because that’s how you’ll regain confidence in yourself.
7. Overcoming jealousy takes time
Like with every symptom, you can only cure something until it eliminate what causes it.
So take it easy, because identifying what’s causing your discomfort may require some time.
To overcome your jealousy, you’ll need to change your beliefs, make certain decisions and change your behavior.
I have undergone a situation of jealousy, for both myself and my partner. I know how hard it’s to be on either side and, believe me, it isn’t worth it.
So if you need professional help, just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and request a free initial consultation.