Have you ever tried that leaving a relationship, you do not get stop thinking about him or her?
It does to me.
And that’s because precisely, it did not end.
Making the decision to leave a relationship does not mean that everything has already been finished.
In this category of “books that changed my life”, I do a deeper understanding of what I learned reading certain books, which came into my life at an important time review.
In today’s post I speak of the book of Silvia Salinas and Jorge Bucay entitled, All (No) ended.
Ending a relationship is not easy, whether you who make the decision to leave the other, as if you left.
And this happens at the level of partner as with any relationship.
But today I will focus on the relationships, which is what the book talks about.
When the relationship goes wrong
I was given this book when I was fine with my partner, so at that moment I decided to wait to read it.
They spent a couple of years, and the time came when my connection was broken, and I was devastated.
Then I remembered I had this book on my shelf unread.
I can tell you that this was the right time to read it, because the book is about what happens after a breakup.
The importance afford to be in confusion
After about 3 years with my partner, my relationship began to go not so well.
Doubt was installed in me and I began to wonder whether or not I wanted to be in that relationship.
So I started looking for different ways to solve our problems.
Speaking first, then changing some ways of behaving, trying not to be affected by certain things and, in the end, I proposed to him to go to couple therapy, but in our case it did not work.
So I started a process of individual therapy, which would help me to have the strength to make the right decision.
I have to tell you my doubts and confusion, even with the therapy process lasted about a year.
Because there was a part of me that wanted at any price, continue the relationship.
Finally, in this case, I was the one who decided to finish and as you said the book, jump into the sea.
One of the reasons that led me to the decision was the difference in our values.
Although we speak, we could not understand and what was important for me, for him it was not and vice versa.
Making the decision to leave my partner even willing it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made in my life.
But respect my values and be honest with the kind of relationship I wanted, she tipped the balance to one side.
All is not finished
Thanks to the book All is not finished, I knew it took a while to recover from a relationship, but I had no idea that to me, that relationship would cost me another year to raise its head.
Of course every person and every relationship is different, so the time you need each, will also be different.
But once finished the relationship, the link does not end.
A level external, you can choose not to see or talk to that person.
But internally, you’ll need some time to return to rearrange your life, WITHOUT that person.
And give a different place within you.
Mourning must pass
Pass the duel, as I have said many times, it means going through the pain.
And also, not escape from the loneliness.
Breaking a relationship involves creating a new structure and move from being two become one.
There are people that have a hard time staying alone.
Because loneliness awakens your own ghosts, their fears and mistakes in life.
To avoid having to deal with all this, immediately they look for someone else to start a new relationship.
The problem is that all learning incorporates not in your way of being and acting, again as problems resurface with a new partner.
So if you can, after a break, give yourself some time alone, to incorporate everything you learned in that relationship, and made you grow as a person.
A sea of emotions
It is normal, that soon break a relationship, you feel hurt, angry, resentful, sad, disappointed …
As a churning sea, full of emotions.
And it’s okay to let the Red Sea and remove all the rage and pain that is within.
I used to feel very sad, and I very well remembered this story by Jorge Bucay.
I leave it in this video:
And while time heals everything, if you help yourself, you can speed up the process a little.
After a while, which already you’ve allowed swimming in your sea of emotions, you have to start to calm these waters, because if you keep feeding with guilty thoughts, anger or victimhood, are in danger of staying trapped in suffering.
Do you know who does more harm than hatred and resentment?
For the one who has them.
And if that’s the case, I have to tell you that you have to change the chip.
Manage that sea of emotions will take you to achieve inner tranquility.
Accept is not resign
When a relationship ends, the mind tends to look for the reasons.
But be careful, because sometimes it gets to interpret and you tell stories that have nothing to do with the facts.
The book of All did not end also speaks of the importance of separate the facts from the stories that tell you your mind, not create you additional suffering.
And it tells us you have to overcome your desire to be right.
When you resign yourself to what has happened, you are storing up hatred and trying to get justice.
You spend the day talking with people to show the whole reason you have.
But what of what use is to be right?
Will that change anything?
What matters if you’re right or not, or if what has happened is just or unjust, if there is no turning back?
You have to go a step further and reach acceptance of what happened.
Accept implies surrender to what is, without trying to be right or want to change it.
You have the right to feel what you feel, but have the responsibility to manage it.
When you accept what has happened and stop fighting this be the reason, the possibility of appearing in your life work those parts of you that were hidden behind the anger.
Well, you’re right you will not serve to heal your wounds, to get your partner or to make decisions that you need.
Thus, from the acceptance that things are as they are, the question to ask is:
What do we do now?
If you notice, if you can get to this question, it means that you have stopped looking back, you’ve been around and have begun to look forward.
Changes scare us because they are strangers, but also allow us to open a lot of new possibilities never before imagined.
I had my partner, my routine, my joint projects and all that ended.
So slowly and giving me my time, I started doing other things that had followed him, he would not.
I signed up for a course of guitar, another singing, I learned to dance salsa … and also learned to treat me with love and respect my time.
An important aspect is that you will have some time to reacquaint yourself.
It’s time to make a general assessment and reflect on you, things you do not want to repeat what it is important for you, what you have to improve, where have advanced, etc.
And to treat you with the utmost love and respect you can, as are times when you will be more sensitive than normal.
Once incorporated everything learned, and with an inner dialogue of love and respect yourself, be when you can have another relationship, which no longer your same patterns are repeated.
The book All did not end, was very helpful in a very delicate moment of my life. If you planteándote a separation or you have separated, I recommend it.
Here I leave the link to Amazon if you want to buy (I am affiliated):
I hope that helps you as much as it helped me.
If you want to comment on what you read other books that have helped you, you can do so in the comments.