Lack of affection: a prison that enchains you

Have you ever found yourself wondering: what am I doing next to this person? And, you answered yourself: “They give me affection.”

If that’s the case, this article is for you.

For years I fought against this “lack of love”, and I must say I’ve been in relationships with people who didn’t bring me anything in, but …I needed love.

Over the years I learned how to manage this need for affection, and in this post I will try to give you some guidelines so you can employ them.

 

 

 

 

What causes a Lack of affection?

Lack of affection usually comes from a childhood where emotional needs weren’t met. 

If your family wasn’t affectionate when you where a child, you may now continue to long for that unrequited love.

On the other hand,

you may have had really very loving parents,

but they didn’t give you autonomy nor value. 

Or you could have had wonderful parents,

but a relationship could’ve left you hungry, and with low self-esteem.

Whatever the source, and the origin isn’t really that important. The problem arises when there is a lack of affection which controls the decisions you make, when you meet a specific person or relationship.

Because that need is very similar to when you’re hungry. If you’re hungry, you eat the first thing that you see, right?

Well, imagine if you’re hungry for love…

You meet a person, not really the kind of person that you tend to fall for.

He or she doesn’t really convince you, and yet you become hooked and don’t know how to quit because you need a bit of affection, that’s enough to keep you chained to that person.

The need for affection is very powerful because love is a basic need.

It’s as necessary as eating or sleeping.

Therefore, giving up “a bit”

takes a lot.  

So, you spend days, months and even years with a person whom, if it were not for your lack of affection, you would’ve left long ago.

But,  you’re still there.

Doubts about the relationship

You aren’t comfortable in the relationship and you start wondering…

• • Should I keep going on?
  • Should I leave?
  • Should I work on the relationship?
  • Is this the right or wrong decision?
  • Is it normal to have so many doubts?
  • Etc.

And yes, I can say that

when you have so many doubts about a person … you have to figure out what the reason behind tied to them is.

There may be things about your partner that you don’t like it

but just accept,

however, the problem arises when you spend months rethinking and questioning the relationship.

If the latter the thing that lies behind all your questions, is a lack of love, and that’s what’ keeping you from making a certain decision.

And what do I do if I need affection?

As always, I’m going to ask you to accept that lack of affection.

Because that’ll be the first step to find a solution.

You can only find a solution to a problem,

if you have identified the problem,

otherwise,

you simply won’t see it.

What keeps you chained to a particular person, like in a prison is a lack of self-love.

Just as we’re hungry and thirsty several times a day,

the same happens with love, but you’ll have to find an alternative

that meets your needs,

without you having to depend on anyone.

5 ways to get the love  you need

If you learn to love yourself, you’ll cover the lack of affection.

To do this,

you need both yourself and others.

Here are some guidelines:

 1. Accept what happened and accept your feelings    

I don’t know what the reason is,

but

whatever it is,

it’s gone.

And no

you can’t go back to the past.

If that past brings feelings into the present as:

• Sadness
• Anger
• Fear
• Insecurity
• Etc

Or you sometimes get into a roller coaster of emotions or emotional ups and downs. 

Accept these feelings whatever they may be: sadness, anger,fear…..all emotions are fine.

Accept them.

All your emotions are right.

 

Accepting this is the first step toward overcoming it. 

Because if you deny or reject your emotions, you’ll end up hooked on anyone who gives you any affection. 

Because you won’t be able to manage that pain. 

But if you understand that your lack of affection comes from your childhood or your previous relationship 

and you open yourself to that pain by accepting it, 

then, 

and only then,  

you won’t have to chain yourself to any person that you don’t like or doesn’t suit you.

2. Improve your internal dialogue

Every day you need to talk to yourself in a nice and gentle way.

And,

especially when you feel more  sad and in need of love.

If you have trouble doing this,

imagine you are a little girl of about 3 years old.

How do you talk to a little girl who needs love?

You talk with her with all the tenderness,

with all the love and all the kindness you have available …

right?

Well, do that EVERY DAY,

as a rule,

and when you have a sensitive day,

double or triple the positivity in your inner dialogue.

And if thinking about your inner child doesn’t help, 

then,

try to imagine your “emotional” part of you,

that part that also needs your understanding and compassion. 

3. Have a person or people you can rely on and ask them for a hug, words of encouragement or affection

There are times in which

no matter how much you nurture yourself,

you’re still missing something.

You need others and that’s natural. 

Everyone needs others. 

And we all have a day 

(or several) 

or a while 

(or a few hours) 

when we feel down.  

 

For those days when self-care isn’t enough, it’s important for you to pick up the phone and call a person that you know will be there for you, and to whom you can talk to freely and who can validate and calm your need.

4. Keep a list of books, blogs, videos, or even people who can give you a different perspective 

Sometimes you’re so immersed in

YOUR own problems,

YOUR difficulties and

YOUR needs,

that you can’t see beyond your own nose.

It’s like you’re focusing so much inside yourself,   you can’t look away and see outside yourself.

At those moments,

• read a few pages of a book
• an article
• or a video or
• talk to someone

this can help you look ahead and put your problems into perspective.

This will help you switch your focus from all the negativity and look at more positive things.

 

 

 

 

5. Go out and distract yourself

It may be easier said than done,

I know.

But you must do this even if you need to force yourself.

And if by any chance you don’t want to go out to distract yourself,

promise me that you’ll do something to distract your mind.

The thing is that when the mind roams uncontrolled, you ruminate about your problems for hours.

And if the issue is a lack of affection, you can imagine how many dark feelings can arise.

You need to stop your mind, to give space to other feelings such as

• peace
• joy
• gratitude…

So, call someone and get out of the house,

even if you DON’T feel like it.

Your goal is to distract yourself, stop thinking and, thus change your emotions.

How do you manage a lack of affection? 

Can you tell me in the comments?